Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
