does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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