Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You have to summon your inner elephant
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
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