I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
