she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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