You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
