he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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