I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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