think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
