I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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