i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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