I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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