I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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