God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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