I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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