i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize