i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
