if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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