My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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