My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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