I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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