"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
