Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize