Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
