Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
People in love make me want to vomit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
