he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
