god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
