I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Randomize
