Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
