i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the condom got lost in my hair
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
