I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize