If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
