WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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