my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
