if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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