I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
