Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Randomize
