Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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