i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
People in love make me want to vomit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
