Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It all started with a game of naked twister.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
