This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
