Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
