I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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