i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
