this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
