You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
