theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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