remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I smell like Dick and happiness
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