My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
