We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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