There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
