Umm I'm too high to move.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
