Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
