Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
