mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize