My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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