I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
