where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
