btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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