Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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