i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
