I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
