my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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