She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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