You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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