i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
