Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
