onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
